Will I Be Able To Breastfeed and Other Nonsense

Well, it’s been awhile, but we are back with our latest installment of funny Google searches. It is time, once again, to find out what our friends and neighbors are searching for in their spare time.

I want to warn you, after you read this article, that you may be shaken to your very core. There are some strange people lurking inside of your computer. They may look normal, and they may sound normal, but during those quiet hours when they are left alone with their private thoughts, they turn into something decidedly not-normal. They are the antithesis of normal and they are walking around your neighborhoods. Be afraid….be very afraid!

Do not, under any circumstances, open your front door to any of these people. They will not physically harm you, but they most definitely could infect you with the same inane thought processes that are happening in their tiny brains.

With that warning out of the way, let’s take a look at what our friends have been up to lately. The partial Google search question I entered was “will I be able to….?” Here, then, are the questions that followed, and of course, my silly little responses to those questions.

Yes, you will for sure; they are currently hiring at McDonald’s and Burger King, and business degrees are required. If that doesn’t work out for you, then try Exxon….not the corporation but the local gas station on the corner. They are hiring for counterperson on the Midnight-8:00 a.m. shift.

Maybe that’s not what the searcher meant. Maybe they were wondering if there was any practical use for that piece of parchment. Well, you could always use it to line your bird cage or cat litter box; you could also use it in the bathroom if you have run out of magazines to wipe with. Hey, I’m just trying to be helpful.

No! Not in the United States, so quit thinking about it….unless of course your daddy works for Exxon, the corporation, and then you can have a twelve-pack of mortgages. You can live in one of the homes and rent the other eleven out to your employees who work at the gas stations with their business degrees. It’s the latest in business opportunities, being a slum landlord, and something tells me that if your daddy works for Exxon you have the genes to be successful in this new endeavor. Good luck to ya, and don’t let the gas hose hit you in the butt on the way out!

But for the rest of the schmucks out there who don’t have parents working for Mobile or Exxon or Arco, no, you will not be able to get a mortgage, so kill that dream now!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! In the United States? Are you kidding me? Oh sure, you can retire….for about 80% of us it’s called death! The other 20% work for Exxon and they retire when they are thirty, and then live out their lives as slum landlords and they drive Hummers!

Listen, whoever you are who typed in this question, let this reality sink in now so you can wrap your brain around it: you will never retire! The credit card companies and mortgage companies own your soul, so you might as well get rid of those silly thoughts right now! Retire??? Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Well, if you are a man, no! I hate to burst your bubble, but if your name is George you won’t be breastfeeding in this lifetime. However, if your name is Georgianna, formerly George, and you are getting those treatments, then maybe, someday, you will be able to suckle a young one.

Wait! Maybe this question is being asked by guys who haven’t had a date in a long time! If that’s the case, I suggest you buy some mouthwash and toothpaste, do some grooming, learn to talk in a suave manner, and then maybe, just maybe, you’ll have a shot at breastfeeding.

Haven’t researchers determined that there are great psychological benefits to being breastfed? That explains why I’m so screwed up, being adopted and all.

Sure, but it’s going to hurt like a mother…..!

Who asks these questions? Now this writer has never fractured an ankle, but if I did, I would imagine they would put a cast on it, give me some crutches, and tell me to hobble around as best I could. Am I missing something? Unless you are in a full-body cast you usually can get around. Duh! You won’t be able to do any line dancing for a few months, but you can still visit your slum housing and evict people just like you always have, Mr. Exxon Butthead!!!!

How did you fracture that ankle Mr. Rich Breastfeeding Momma’s Boy? Did you slip on your spilled daiquiri at the Lawn & Tennis Club while planning your next vacation to the Bahamas?

Well, if you are a member of the Bottom 80% Club, then no, you will not be traveling again in this lifetime, mainly because you can’t retire, you have no money, and your car is about to be repossessed! Welcome to America!

If, however, you work for Exxon, then you can travel all over the world, looking for new sites to drill those wells and destroy the environment. For fun you can drive around in your limo and toss crumbs to the McDonald’s workers who are making paper airplanes out of their Business diplomas.

If you are tone-deaf like my Uncle Ralph, then no, you will never be able to play the piano. Well, let me correct that; you can play the piano but no one will ever know what tune it is that you are playing. It will just sound like two cats mating in the backyard at three a.m.

If, however, you work for Exxon, you can hire one of the poor people to play the piano for you. Just pay them minimum wage like you do all of your grunt workers, and if they hit the wrong notes just fire them. Don’t worry, there are millions like them, so you’ll be able to fill their shoes very easily.

Yes, you will! Just move your lips and let air come out….that’s called speaking and you’ll get the hang of it eventually. Unless, of course, you are still breastfeeding, in which case it’s a bit difficult to speak while sucking on that teat. I had a roommate in college, though, who could talk and suckle at the same time. It really was rather amazing. How do I know this you ask? Because he used to let us watch when he brought his dates back to the dorm, that’s how? You don’t think I make this stuff up, do you?

For those of you in the bottom 80%, speaking is a pretty important trait, especially if you plan on begging for the table scraps left by the slum landlord on his way to the Bahamas for vacation.

Yes, there will be a next time, and I know this because there is no end to the weirdness all around us, and as long as there is weirdness you can count on me to record it.

So until then, do whatever it is you do, but make sure you don’t get caught doing it. If you are bored you can read my new book. It’s called, “A Survivor’s Guide For Adoptees Who Were Never Breastfed And Now Do Janitorial Work At Exxon.” I’m pretty proud of it and I hope you like it too.

2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)