The Death Of A Child...My Experience

So many things present themselves in life, things that we are not always prepared to handle.... I was blessed with three children, two sons and a daughter. I had a career, my car was paid for and I was buying a new five bedroom home for my kids. Life was good and each day life presented me with new hurdles to get over which I tackled with ease. My ex-husband and I had been divorced for over ten years and I was proud of the accomplishments that I had made by myself. My oldest boy (JinJin) was preparing for college, my youngest boy (Beethoven) who was 17 at the time wanted to follow in his big brothers foot steps; and my daughter who was a toddler just wanted to be held and loved by everyone.

.....Beethoven was over his dad's house and decided to stay another day so he told his dad that he was going to the phone booth to call me and let me know. On his way to the phone booth (their land line was down) some guys played a prank on Beethoven......... one of the neighbors got mad and took his anger out on the wrong person, the neighbor pull out an M-16 (firearm) and blew my sons chest out. My son never knew why he was dying. The same day that I signed the contract for our new home my son was murdered. The same day that I signed the contract for our new home my life changed and has never been the same. I felt as if God was playing a cruel trick on me. Beethoven has been gone for a long time now but it still feels like yesterday. I would like to share with you something that I wrote to help me through. Maybe there is someone out there that it can bring comfort to.

I am like a small child having a temper tantrum because she was denied something that she wanted to keep.

Knowing that I shall never touch upon this life again angers me.

A memory has no substance,it is of the intangible.

My eyes cannot see a memory,

My hands cannot touch the spirit.

And in secret I dare to hold anger towards my creator.

In secret I question him,

How dare I.

Does the vessel question the potter and say why hast thou made me thus and not that.

He who divided the firmament

He who fed the sea

I dare question a god who placed the sun up in the sky with the power of his words.

I must trust again.

Within the lotus of my heart I know that though we may not be delivered out of a situation,

We are given the strength to endure.

For this earth is truly our classroom,

While here we will learn strengths and endure through patience.

Sometimes we just have to trust and wait.